Aanavarium Ponkurisum by Vaikom Muhammad Basheer

Chapter Three

One day Thoma whispered in Raman Nair's ears: "Da Aanavaarie, let's all meet at the church ground." That night Aanavaari Raman Nair, Thoma, Idiot Mustapa, One-eyed Pokker and Spider Mohammadkunj assembled at the old Catholic church eleven miles away from the village. It was the day of the feast and great multitudes of faithful people had gathered there.

The church ground was crowded with vendors, Merry-go-rounds, rope walkers, and added to these were pyrotechnics and religious sermons which provided the festive night with great opportunities for practicing the merry arts of gambling, picking pockets, gold-snatching. And the famous Gold Cross of the church was to be taken out in a procession. Solid gold it was! And only a few thousand important churches in the whole world possessed one like that. But it was kept under heavy security.

Boxes inside boxes! All kept in a secret chamber and the vicar lived next door. The devotees took a heartful glance of the Gold Cross as it was revealed to the public. And the feast was over. The villagers returned home. And a serious problem began to agitate Thoma.

It was a serious question indeed. Millions of Christians, and even the people of other faiths all over the globe, know the answer to the question, but Thoma lost sleep over it. "What's wrong with Thoma?" Everyone asked the same question. Aanavaari, One-eyed Pokker, Idiot, Spider, and many other interested parties. Even those two local rascals, the police bourgeoisie asked the same question. "Oh, nothing," Thoma replied. There got to be something. What is it? Yes this is it:

The one question every one must ask: Was Jesus Christ our Saviour crucified on a gold cross or a wooden cross? The matter required active research. So, without even notifying his companions, Thoma set out in the dark with a great sense of urgency, to find the answer. After nine days of research and enquiry, Thoma reached a conclusion, but that day at 2:30 in the night, one police rascal arrested Thoma and locked him up. Reason? The police had observed a suspicious party hanging around the area who came from outside their territory.

We know that the police rascals are suspicious of everybody. The old policemen were gentlemen, all nice; they knew the proper protocol and acted accordingly, but the one who arrested Thoma was a new rascal ignorant of protocol. Nineteen days passed by since Thoma was locked up by this reactionary Government.

On the twentieth night it was stormy and cold. Those who got to eat something were able to sleep well, huddled up inside the blanket. And there were occasional thunder and lightning. Thoma hadn't slept even at two in the night. The guard, number 1627, good old Palungan Kochu Kunju lit a beedi and passed it on to Thoma and he started confessing his failures in life.

"I resign all to the will of God. I am retiring in two months, you know. Seven daughters to be married off. The oldest is twenty-seven," the night guard said. "No savings, huh?" Thoma asked.

"Savings? I've to pay five rupees rent for the house. It's the old rate. And my wife is bedridden. Paralysed. It's all God's will, that's how I see it." Palungan sighed.

Thoma didn't say anything. After a few minutes, in a more ideal moment, Thoma whispered to the night guard. "Come closer." Palungan got closer. "Can you let me out for two hours? I'll show you a way." Palungan Kochu Kunju the guard was taken aback.

What an awful thing to ask of a night guard? But it was Thoma. "Will you betray me, Thoma? I'll lose my pension. My wife and daughters.... Thoma, will you put me in jail?"

"I can't believe this. Had it been one of those new police rascals! None of them wouldn't have been frightened like this, Palungan." "Don't belittle the older police. Hm. We're braver and smarter." Palungan quickly looked around other lock-ups and studied the outside, too. All the parties were asleep. Outside, there were two younger police men snoring. All quiet. Still Palungan wavered.

"Thoma, remember Tiger Mathan is the inspector...!" Palungan gave a warning. Tiger Mathan was a notorious tyrant. Criminals as well as his subordinates trembled at the mention of his name. "Don't be scared like that, Palungan Sir," Thoma said. "Jesus, give this Thoma some good sense, please!" With that prayer, Palungan the night guard turned the key, opened the door, and let Thoma slip out and disappear in the dark rainy night.

The next moment Palungan Kunchu Kunju began to develop nervousness breakdown. A fear of betrayal. What have I done? My service record for many many years! The pension that the Government was going to give me would be lost. Thoma would not show up. My wife, daughters...jail.... Palungan couldn't stay put. He sprang up from his seat. Blasts of thunder. Lightning. Heavy rain. Darkness.

Palungan paced the corridor. Am I going to faint? The young police constables were snoring and talking some gibberish. He sat down again. He thought about taking off his uniform and leaving the station. But where would he go? The man was too old for new things.

"Jesus, don't!" It seemed to be daybreak. In a matter of moments everything would be ruined. Actually nothing had been ruined. One and a half hours later, Thoma did return, all wet and dripping. He went right inside the bars, and said: "Palungan, lock me up, lock me up!" Thoma took off his clothes and started wringing them dry. And through the bars, he handed over a little packet to the stunned night guard. Palungan received it. So heavy!

He opened it. A bar of gold, about six inches long, a quarter of am inch thick and one and a half inches wide, as if broken off from somewhere! "Let me sleep." Thoma went to bed. Two days later, the frightful news spread; the famous Gold Cross of the church had been stolen! The Bishop arrived. The Vicar arrived. The Sexton arrived. The Church Secretary arrived. The villagers arrived. Everyone came before Inspector Tiger Mathan.

Inspector's yellowish eyes glowed. "Hm. I'll find a lead," Tiger Mathan grunted. All the thieves of the area, thieves of the past, the ones who had stolen long ago, the thieves of the future, and even the thieves who haven't stolen anything--they all arrived in batches and filled the police station. They were beaten, kicked, their soles burned, their nails drilled with needles, their genitals set on fire with oiled wicks. Beautiful!

Thoma got to watch everything very closely. Screams, cries, gibberish. No one pleaded quilty. Days went by. New suspects were brought in. The tortures went on according to the proper protocol. Then a new batch of suspects arrived: One-eyed Pokker, Idiot Mustapa, Aanavaari Raman Nair, Spider Muhammadkunj.

Thoma saw them.

He didn't even stir.

They were all asked to kneel by a bench and to place their tongues at the edge of the bench. They obeyed. Inspector Tiger Mathan arrived with a hammer and four long nails. "Before I nail your tongues on the bench, tell me: Where is the Gold Cross?" No one said anything. See, none of them knew anything. Inspector placed a nail on Raman Nair's tongue. Before he even made a gesture of moving the hammer, Thoma sprang up and grabbed the bars of the lock-up and shook them furiously, shouting: "Sir, they don't know where the Gold Cross is! Sir, they don't!"

Inspector approached Thoma with his hammer and gave a tiger stare and said: "And you know something?' "Yes, sir. I've got to confess a secret," Thoma said.

The lock-up was opened. Thoma was taken to the Inspector Mathen's room.

"Hm."

"I'm the thief, Sir," Thoma said.

"You? But weren't you here in the lock-up at the time of the crime?"

Sir, you may beat me up or kill me, as you wish. That old man has seven daughters and a wife who's paralyzed..." "I don't understand what you're talking about," Inspector said.

Thoma made him understand. Everything. And he dug up the cross from under the banyan tree in the western yard of the police station. Night guard Palungan Kochu Kunju returned the tail piece, too.

"Thoma, why did you do this? And you a faithful Christian--Why did you steal the Gold Cross?" Inspector Tiger Mathan asked. "Sir, hammer a nail into my tongue if you wish. But hear my question: Wasn't our Lord Jesus crucified on a wooden cross? I'm asking why the church got to have a Gold Cross?"

The legend is that Inspector Mathan himself was numbed by this simple yet serious question. Isn't it true? The Inspector asked himself and he called the Bishop and the Vicar and the elders and returned the famous Gold Cross and informed them of the truth: the dismissed night guard Palungan Kochu Kunju ought to be helped. His seven daughters have to be married off. Those who were tortured on account of the Gold Cross ought to be compensated, five rupees and a mundu and a towel for each person. It was all done accordingly. Palungan's five daughters were married off. Palungan himself became a sexton.

Those who were tortured received their five rupees and towels and mundu. Happy ending. Thoma was sentenced to serve one and a half months in the jail. The villagers gave a ceremonious welcome to Thoma when he came out. In addition they also handed him a little donation.

Among the contributors to this bounty this historian is pleased to record the names of Narayanan Namboothiripad of Chathenkeri House, his own younger brother Shankaran Namboothiripad, Chandanatharayil Vasu Devan Namboothiripad, Kariyil Pathrose Mappila, Bulged-eye Andru and Kuttiali Muthalali. Thoma bought a stalk of banana and two pounds of jaggery and fed Little Neelandan and Parukutty.

While Thoma reigned over the village as a great man of the people, Raman Nair happened to hear a rumor about the man. A girl was in love with Thoma! Kochu Thresia was her name. Eighteen years old. A beauty. Palungan's youngest daughter! Know how Raman Nair came to know about this shameful matter?

From Sainaba's account book written on the door front: Ponkurisu (Gold Cross) Thoma -- 3 rupees 6 anas. Aanavaari Raman Nair did not understand the meaning of what he was witnessing. Thoma had plenty of money. How come he still owed Sainaba?

We must remember that it wasn't too easy to accost Gold Cross Thoma about this, because for some time now they hadn't seen each other properly. "Thoma doesn't owe any monies, does he?" Nair inquired after Sainaba.

"For a few days now, came...Kochu Thresia....to see Thoma. . ." Sainaba didn't complete the sentence. "Kochu Thresia...?" "That's our Palungan's youngest daughter... Came here tired, walking all the way... and...and then I gave rice cake and bananas and jaggery coffee... in Ponkurisu Thoma's account. . ." Owl-eyed Pokker explained.

Hm! Injustice! Injustice! Raman Nair saw injustice with his own eyes: That of Kochu Thresia flirting with Ponkurisu Thoma as the two sat by the river. What could be done about this injustice? "Da Ponkurisu!" Aanavaari Raman Nair shouted. "Hm?" "Give me two rupees." Without uttering a word, Ponkurisu Thoma gave the money. Aanavaari looked at Kochu Thresia with utter contempt and went right away to feed bananas and jaggery balls to Little Neelandan as poor Parukutty looked on with her watering mouth gaping open.

Being a representative of the womankind, Parukutty stretched out her trunk. "Keep off, you mule," Nair shouted at her. It looked as if Parukutty must have cursed him that very moment. Otherwise how could such a disastrous contract be waiting for Aanavaari Raman Nair? That contract to steal the elephant is clearly the result of her revengeful curse! We know that Shankaran Namboothiripad of Chathenkeri House was the prominent "rebel" of the village.

There aren't too many things that His Highness the younger Namboothiripad is not against. "Aanavaari never stole the elephant! It's absurd!" His Highness, Shankaran Namboothiripad, insists. "Didn't we steal the elephant upon your request, His Highness? Or ask Ponkurisu Thoma. His Highness still owes us 40 rupees for the contract." The debate still goes on.

This humble historian has acquired this much information on the event. But before we start another matter, let me ask whether your hear the ringing of the church bells? That's the ex-policeman, night guard, Palungan Kochu Kunju. And the bells remind the village of Ponkurisu Thoma and the one important question he posed to the world: Why should the church have a Gold Cross? Now, let's move on to the rare employment contract Aanavaari and Ponkurisu were offered: To steal an elephant! How could such a brave act be done?

That's the history we're going to hear. Your attention requested. Chapter Four Elephant robbery is a great art. The two intellectuals of the land hold this belief in their hearts. How to steal an elephant? It's not like pilfering gold, money, or womankind. Let me describe the art of stealing elephants for the benefit of students of history. Such seers as Aanavaari Raman Nair and Ponkurisu Thoma have said that stealing elephants isn't that difficult of an art at all. Got to be brave! Got to have plenty of guts. And got to know the dialogue, the elephant language!

At least three of the choicest that the elephants can understand. Should resound through your nose: Nadayane. . . Settiyane. . Edathiyane! Walk. . . Stay put. . . Turn left. . . Students of history can get this right through a few good rehearsals. And they shouldn't forget that the best time for stealing an elephant is in a dark night. The most auspicious moment is midnight itself. No need of moonlight or anything of the sort.

Some pure light that comes out of the village homes is sufficient. We all know that elephants are tethered by binding one foot to a tree. And the heavy metal chain has a little buckle which keeps the beast with those magnificiant tusks and the giant, dark, round mass of flesh in bondage. Just unbuckle him. The creature will be free! That's all there is to it. Unwind the steel chain, quietly. Nadayane. . . Settiyane. . . Edathiyane. . . ! But the artist has to be careful about his body odor. Using its serpentine trunk, the animal might wrap up the one with unfamiliar body odors and smash him on the ground and stamp him out like little ants.

All the secrets in the artist's stomach would pop out and he would quickly attain a brave nirvana. Even a suicide squad of artists with the wrong body odors can't steal one elephant. That is the truth. Here is a better way. Get a stalk of banana. Choose the larger variety, the kind that gives out a fine scent when it is well ripened. Students of history must remember this. Also remember the many famous veterans of this art like our Aanavaari Raman Nair and Ponkurisu Thoma and think about how they organized an elephant robbery and came out victorious.

This was the time when the two His Highnesses of Chathenkeri House weren't too pleasant with each other. And that happened to be the case most of the time. In order to teach the older His Highness a lesson, the younger His Highness was setting up all kinds of traps and indulging in many mischievous activities: Harvesting the fields in secret, selling off the crop, disposing the timber on their estate-- and the younger His Highness decided to sell an elephant, too, along with the timber. He contracted two artists to steal one of the elephants and to take it across the river and tether it on a designated tree.

Aanavaari Raman Nair decided to make use of this employment opportunity for a fifty-rupee contract and he received ten rupees in advance. And soon the veteran elephant thief started courting Parukutty in the night with stalks of banana and jaggery balls, trying to make her acclimatized to his body odor!

Occasionally he would give a banana to Little Neelandan also and tell him: "My dear Neelandan. You know the secret. This isn't done because of any affection for her. You know, she's to be stolen and sent away from the village." As he conversed with Little Neelandan, he caressed Parukutty, and tried out the elephant language: "Edathiyane... Settiyane..." Thus it looked like Aanavaari Raman Nair had got over all his estrangement from Parukutty, a member of the womankind. The day before the act was to be performed, Raman Nair asked Thoma: "Da Ponkurisu...what if the contract were to be for Little Neelandan?" "Hm.

You talk as if you would've taken it up! We don't need such contracts. No. No." "You think our bones strong enough to steal Little Neelandan?" Raman Nair asked. "Just the thought of it makes my guts leap out," Thoma said. "Same here, same here," Aanavaari agreed. Thus with a sense of relief they got ready to steal Parukutty.

It was also a dark night with occasional drizzles. No light filtered out of the village homes. Ponkurisu Thoma stood in front of the elephant, holding up the stalk of banana. And Aanavaari Raman Nair unbuckled the chain. Ponkurisu Thoma walked in the front, quickly. Raman Nair commanded in a friendly tone: Nadayane! The dark mass obeyed the command and walked a bit too quickly. Not a tame walk, either. A kind of arrogant gait it was. Ponkurisu Thoma hurriedly entered the river holding up the banana. The elephant also followed him. In the river, it wasn't too dark. As the elephant entered the water, that very moment Aanavaari Raman Nair saw the beast clearly. Was he dumbfounded! It was Little Neelandan!

The one with the needle sharp tusks, bloody eyes, the ruthless one! He could see the two tusks that had gored many a human being. Aanavaari Raman Nair's mouth dried up. His throat and lips burned. "Oh my Ponkurisu. . . Don't look back. . . We stole the wrong one. . . it's that beast. . ." Thoma quickly grasped what had happened. That it was the great-elephant-rogue: Little Neelandan. Thoma felt he was going to faint. No.

The one who stole the Gold Cross for the sake of an aging prison guard thought like this: If Aanavaari were to die, I would also die with him. Let the bloody eyed rogue murder me. With pounding heart Thoma shouted: "What should we do?" "Give him the banana. And take a dip. Toward the right. I will be behind. . ." Thus the two dived and dived, and got ashore almost dead, trying hard to catch their breath.

The two embraced each other and trembled and looked up to see Little Neelandan blissfully playing in the river. The naughty one had eaten away the whole stalk of bananas. The comrades reached home almost lifeless and then slept through many terrifying nightmares.

The next day, Little Neelandan is said to have gone back to Chathenkeri House and chased around the "rebel" His Highness, Sankaran Namboothiripad. But this humble historian can't vouch for the veracity of this rumor. However, it is a fact that Little Neelandan went home and that the mahouts tethered him with great difficulty.

Aanavaari and Ponkurisu did suffer from massive dysentery for about a week. After the recovery, as they lived in peace and tranquility, Aanavaari Raman Nair would remember the event: "Da Ponkurisu. . . !" "What da Aanavaari. . . ?" "If we had stolen that ugly little bitch, Parukutty, it would've been shameful. . . shameful. . . then there would not have been any reason for us to live at all. . ." The End. Click back to the translator's homepage